Why Vloggers Need to Suck It
I’m not sure why I never wrote about this here before – god knows I’ve ranted about it enough on Twitter and to those deranged few who have had the misfortune of meeting me face-to-face in the Flesh-o-sphere – but I despise “vlogs”. Kill it with fire hate them.
I hate everything about them, from the name to what they actually are.
This post started from a discussion that popped up after I casually lamented the fact that the word “blog” actually caught on. It’s a stupid word, and I feel stupid every time I have to say it out loud. Writing it is only slightly better, and I still feel dirty.
“Blog” used to mean something, even though it was a stupid word. Now news websites have “blogs” that post… well… news. They’ve managed to completely blur the line, as if some douchenozzle in marketing said “ZOMG Blogs! We have to have blogs! Some internet marketing expert guy said blogs were the future and we don’t have any and I don’t know what they are but we need them NOW.” Opinion blogs on news sites I get. News blogs on news sites, not so much.
The only thing worse than “blog” is “vlog”.
But the word completely aside, I hate “vlogging” because it’s fucking lame. I can’t cmd+f to find the actual content I’m looking for, I can’t skim the page to find only the bits I need, I can’t copy+paste the bits I need into my notes, and I’m forced to look at your ugly fucking face rambling on and on, taking 6 minutes to tell me something I could have read in 20 seconds.
Sure, it’s easier to create a “vlog” entry than to actually write and spellcheck, and people will be more willing to forgive your fourth-grade grammar if you’re speaking instead of writing. But unless you provide a text transcription of your “vlog” to accompany the video I will never watch, I will never hear what you have to say. If you do provide a text transcription, then you’re just a narcissistic douche, instead of an inconsiderate narcissistic douche, which is arguably much better on the douche scale.
My time is precious, and I’m not going to waste it watching you babble while feeling like people care who you are because you’re on video. I care about who people are because of what they say and what they think, and if you make me sit through your “vlog”, I will never find out what you have to say because my browser is closing before your pre-roll has finished loading.
I don’t give a shit about your personal brand, or putting a face to the name, or anything you apparently think I care about. I care about what you have to say, and even then, not enough to work that hard at finding out what that is if you make it difficult for me.
The only videos I care about are ones with adorable cats and/or guys getting nailed in the junk. Preferably both. If your idea of contributing to the internet is switching on your webcam and talking at me for 5 minutes, I hate you.
There. I think I’m done.
You have no idea how tempted I was to make this a “vlog” post. But then I’d have to put makeup on. And pants. And I’m on vacation this week, so fuck you.