If Chuck Norris Had Designed Linux…

What started as an off-handed comment on Twitter quickly turned into a meme that had tons of people involved. It all started with “If Chuck Norris designed Linux…”. Hours of hilarity (and a good bit of tweet stream flooding) soon ensued.

This is how it all started. One single tweet:

snipeyhead: I have decided that the only thing that would make Linux more stable, reliable and awesome is if it were written by chuck norris

And, it went pretty much downhill from there. This is yet another time when the cleverness of the people who choose to follow me impresses the hell out of me and makes me laugh my ass off. I’ve included links to their Twitter accounts with their tweets, so you can follow them and marvel at their wit too.

I’ve tried my best to backtrack all of them to include them, but I may have missed a few. The tweets were flying by pretty quickly. It actually reminded me a lot of the #giantblueglowingcock meme from a few months back. I don’t usually get into the Chuck Norris jokes and memes, but the geek flavor kept this one going for a while.

Also please note that I am aware that there are some semantic issues with the tweets. Nobody “writes” Linux, etc. We only have 140 characters, so cut a little slack. We called this fictional version of Chuck Norris Linux ‘Chux’.

My favs are in bold 😉

1. snipeyhead: And IF Linux were written by chuck norris, it would already have CP/IP (Cockpunch Internet Protocol) built in
2. brlittle: Chuck Norris does not need to punch anyone in the cock. He simply forces them to cockpunch themselves by sheer force of will.
3. jamiecalder: And it wouldn’t have a keyboard or mouse you couldn’t control it, it would control you.
4. snipeyhead @brlittle true, but he would build in the cp/ip for the rest if us
5. Michael_Moore: If Chuck Norris wrote Linux it would be called Chux and you would literally need to boot it.
6. davidcoallier: Actually…. if Chuck Norris wrote Linux, you couldn’t boot it, it would boot you.
7. philipdavidg: You don’t boot Chux, it boots you.
8. davidcoallier: see there.. “would boot you” –> woo boo tyou –> woo boon two –> Ubuntu 😉
9. brlittle: To demonstrate his own manliness, Chuck Norris runs Cockpunch over IP on loopback.
10. jamiecalder: Chuck Norris would never be able to finish writing Linux. Mr. T would beta test it and pity him into quitting.
11. lkoutzas: if Chuck wrote Linux all developers would be to scared to write code cause of what it would do to you if it had a bug
12. brlittle: If Chuck Norris wrote Linux, it would manage your windows by throwing your files through them.
13. snipeyhead: If Chuck Norris wrote Linux, the only mantouch command would be the one that curbstomps you for needing a manual in the 1st place
14. This1GoesTo8: Chux doesn’t get viruses, but there is a .jpg of him ready to attack on /, just in case. It also acts as a firewall.
15. hubbit: If Chuck Norris wrote Linux, there would be no man pages. Figure it out on your own, wuss.
16. brlittle: A Linux designed by Chuck Norris would require no backups, as it would be too scared of Chuck to fail.
17. david973: And Chuck can’t be a PC *or* a Mac. Because he’s always in CTRL, there is no ALT, and he takes no Commands.
18. brlittle: If Chuck Norris wrote Linux, it wouldn’t use CUPS. Chuck’s nuts are rock hard. He has no need for CUPS.
19. brlittle: Chux would not feature voice recognition. Instead it would feature “throaty, masculine growl” recognition.
20. brlittle: In Chux, the only superuser would be Chuck himself. Fuck the rest of you
21. david973: The Chuckputer requires no input. Code assembles itself out of fear and it is powered by his own rage.
22. This1GoesTo8: Never, EVER type #!/bin/bash in Chux. Trust me on this one.
23. aellison: Chuck Norris Linux would be written on punch cards.
24. chickieleighc: @snipeyhead You have the most awesome followers. THIS is why twitter was invented
25. wcgallego: In chux, if you run “man paste”, it will impregnate you. Dudes too.
26. brlittle: Chux does not include a finger command. Chuck has no need for foreplay.
27. brlittle: Chuck’s personal favorite Chux command? “killall”.
28. brlittle: Typing “man man” in Chux will garner an instant cockpunch.
29. netmeg: would Chuck have a Kung Fu Grep?
30. snipeyhead: CPUs run faster to get away from Chuck Norris
31. snipeyhead: If Chuck Norris wrote linux, the kernel would always be panicking.
32. snipeyhead: When Chuck Norris throws exceptions, it’s across the room.
33. snipeyhead: Chuck Norris doesn’t need garbage collection because he doesn’t call .Dispose(), he calls .DropKick().
34. snipeyhead: Chuck Norris doesn’t do Burn Down charts, he does Smack Down charts.
35. brlittle: Chux commands accept no arguments.
36. snipeyhead: All Chux-based browsers support the hex definitions #chuck and #norris for the colors black and blue
37. snipeyhead: Chux doesn’t have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up.
38. brlittle: Chux uses custom biometric credentials for each user: Only beardprints or fist indentations are accepted.
39. davidcoallier: Chux need no antivirus… viruses need anti-chux
40. snipeyhead: Chuck Norris stared down XMMS and it synced his iPod.
41. snipeyhead: Chuck Norris can play 3D games in his head by interpreting the source code in real-time.
42. snipeyhead: Chux has no dependencies.
43. snipeyhead: Chuck Norris does not use the GCC, he *writes* binaries.
44. wendelldotme: Chux doesn’t use ‘sudo’, it uses ‘judo’ (or ‘kung fudo’?)
45. davidcoallier: The only reason why Twitter doesn’t crash when we talk about Chux is because he allows it.
46. brlittle: Chux does not connect to servers. Servers meekly beg permission to connect to Chux.
47. mattonrails: “If Chuck Norris wrote Linux, the kernel would always be panicking” < < Wonder if our hosting SLA mentions “Acts of Chuck”
48. wendelldotme: Chuck Norris binary: you’re either with him, or null.
49. This1GoesTo8: Web pages on a Chux server are handled perfectly by IE6. No one dares question why.
50. wendelldotme: Chux not only works with Apache, it works to take back its land. In Chux, mySql is HISSql.
51. brundlefly: With Chux, “sudo” is assumed.
52. wendelldotme: Chux turns spam into bacon!
53. wendelldotme: Chux never really runs, it always stands and fights.
54. davidcoallier: Chux cronjobs run whenever they decide to run!
55. brlittle: Linux uses ping. Chux uses thump.
56. wcgallego: In Chux, you can’t find out what processes are currently running, because you will never “top” Chux
57. david973: Streams get edited in Chux because he SED so.
58. wendelldotme: Regardless of size, ALL computers running Chux are Supercomputers
59. mattonrails: ‘chmod +wtr ‘ = Walker, Texas Ranger. Coincidence?
60. mattonrails: Chuck Norris put the “ch” in “chmod” to remind us that he owns EVERYTHING.
61. brlittle: If Chuck Norris wrote Linux, your email client would fold, spindle *and* mutilate your mail before delivering it.
62. graphikjunkie: when Chuck Norris types ‘sudo’ he automatically becomes superuser for every Linux server in existence.
63. Michael_Moore: Chux would respond to the smell of fear and gladiator sweat.
64. dracul01: #! is the last thing you remember hearing after booting up Chux, because of the Round House Kick start bootloader.
65. mtlb: Chuck Norris Linux would also only have one version. There would not be a version 7.1
66. brlittle: In Chux, there are three versions of python: Left, right and center.
67. ChurchHTucker: Chux won’t let you put anything in stdout…
68. davidcoallier: If Chuck Norris wrote Linux… there wouldn’t be PC vs Mac fights
69. pmbuko: Chux is case insensitive because sensitivity is weak.
70. brlittle: Chux can divide by zero.
71. iamPariah: If Chuck Norris wrote linux, the kernel would be a four-star general.
72. brlittle: Chux includes no Web browser. Chux holds the entire contents of the Internet in memory at all times.
73. jamiecalder: When Chick Norris encounters a kernel panic, it instantly gets demoted to cadet status.
74. brlittle: Bus speeds are irrelevant to Chux machines, as Chuck never takes the bus. Chux uses monster truck speeds.
75. andrenascentes: if you create a class named Chuck Norris, when you call it, you’ll have an stack overflow
76. brlittle: Chux provides no “sleep” command. Only “wait.” < — Cheap, but I like it. 😉
77. pmbuko: In Chux, /dev/null is replaced by /dev/roundhouse.
78. wendelldotme: Chux supports no languages because Chuck Norris is a fighter, not a talker…
79. xzqx: If Chuck Norris wrote Linux, ‘kill’ would only accept one argument: -9. SIGINT? Please.
80. databyss: Chux has no daemons… they’re too scared to be around him.
81. This1GoesTo8: A Chux firewall consists of a .jpg of his icy stare. The paradox alone has driven many insane.
82. brlittle: Never play Minesweeper on a Chux machine. If you lose, it’ll be the last time.
83. brlittle: Curiously, the only game that ships with Chux is Solitaire. Turns out Chuck enjoy an nice, relaxing game of Klondike.
84. wendelldotme: Chux fills all available memory… with pain.
85. brlittle: There is no server version of Chux. Chuck serves no one.
86. wendelldotme: Chux uses windows… to kick its opponents through…
87. This1GoesTo8: I run Chux because CarradineOS kept hanging. #toosoon

I think that’s most of them 🙂 If you were in on the fun, I hope it brought you a chuckle or two. Have you own insight on Chux? Leave ’em in the comments 🙂