If you’re following me on Twitter, or if you’re thinking about following me on Twitter, here’s some stuff you should probably know.
Although it may sound like I’m trying to convince you not to follow me, that’s not the case at all. I just want you to know how I roll so I don’t have to suffer the heartbreak of your unfollow, and I don’t have to go through the hassle of finding out where you live so I can leave flaming bags of dog shit on your doorstep.
I tweet a lot. Hopefully you actually looked at my Twitter page before following, so this won’t come as a huge surprise to you, but just in case, I’m warning you now. I tweet a lot. I joined Twitter in March of 2008, and have over 70k tweets as of July 2011. Each one is a shining gem of wisdom, of course, but – yeah – I tweet a lot.
I don’t always tweet about industry stuff. While it’s not at all uncommon to find me discussing web development, PHP, Facebook Application design, CSS, XML, the Amazon API, or any number of industry-related things, that makes up about 10% of what I talk about. So if you’re looking to follow me solely because I’m in the same industry as you, this might not be a good fit. That said, please always feel free to ask industry-related questions. If I know the answer, I’ll help – and if I don’t, I may very well know someone who does. You don’t even have to follow me if you just have a question or two.
I am NOT safe for work. Most of the time, anyway. I swear a lot, and tweet in hyperbole a lot. I will usually warn you if a link I have posted is NSFW, but my general day to day conversation tends not to be. Don’t believe me? Back when Cursebird was still around, I ranked 1,347 worldwide for swearing. (Go me!)
I am just a little bit evil. Anything I tweet with the #itsatrap hashtag generally promises some manner of sexy hotness and delivers something that will make you want to punch babies with fistfuls of kittens and boil your eyeballs. You were warned.
I’m really, really sarcastic. If you ever read something and you’re not sure whether I’m actually that much of an asshole, or are just being sarcastic, there’s a good chance I’m just being snarky. Usually.
I sometimes get a little silly. Okay, a lot silly. It doesn’t usually last as long as the #giantblueglowingcock debacle, but in between the swearing and the industry chat and cranky haikus, some silliness will invariably arise.
They can’t all be gems. I sometimes make really, truly terrible jokes. I occasionally make good jokes too, but every now and then I’ll drop a pun that will make you want to beat me up. It’s good to want. I want a unicorn. A unicorn that poops money. And cupcakes. A unicorn that poops money and cupcakes that make you lose weight. So, it’s good to want, but it doesn’t change a thing.
Also? Dick jokes.
I don’t have a lot of patience for people who consider themselves gurus, and if you ever ask me about my personal brand, I will stop what I’m doing specifically to invent the technology that will let me stab you in the face over the internet. I work for an ad agency, so my marketing bullshit tolerance is worn pretty thin. And god help you if you use the word “synergy” in a tweet to me and mean it.
If you only ever tweet about using Twitter, I will probably unfollow you. If that’s really all you bring to the table, there’s not much to discuss. I once saw someone with the title “Twitter Coach” in their Twitter bio, and actually threw up a little in my mouth. Anyone who needs a “Twitter coach” is too stupid to use Twitter. Period. 140 chars. Don’t be a dick. Or if you’re going to be a dick, at least be really fucking funny. There, now I’m a Certified Web 2.0 Social Media Guru Expert Maven Coach too.
So that’s what you should know about following me on Twitter. For more about me and some of the goofy things I create, check out my about page.